do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Mom said you looked used
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
