is your mom at the bar?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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