Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
