i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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