It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
