so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
even my farts smell like vagina
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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