if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
