Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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