apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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