if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm gonna have a badass scar
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it's like iHOP with fire
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
