I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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