Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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