I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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