She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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