I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
