The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
