i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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