I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
