I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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