I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
