I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
