he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
