history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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