I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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