this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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