One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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