Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
