i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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Randomize
