I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just want nice things and good sex
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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