I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
