This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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