Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
