It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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