batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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