Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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