It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
