You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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