You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
