This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
