May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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