Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
