you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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