My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
