your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
