I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
