so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
