i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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