Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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