I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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