If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
