So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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